Movie Reviews Archives

The Polar Express (2004): Best Christmas Action Since Die Hard?

Part 5 of the Christmas Movie Watchstravaganza

Almost Christmas
Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
The Polar Express

Wikipedia states that the book this movie adapts “was praised for its…calm, relaxing storyline.”

I have no clue what happened to that.

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (1985): The OTHER Santa Origin Story

Part 4 of the Christmas Movie Watchstravaganza

Almost Christmas
Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
The Polar Express

“There is no religion. Friars are bad. Buddha is bad. There are no gods, there is no cycle of rebirth. The only church is the Church of Santa Claus.” So sayeth the Rankin/Bass Santa origin myth we didn’t exactly need.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946): Still Refreshing After 75 Years

Part 3 of the Christmas Movie Watchstravaganza

Almost Christmas
Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
The Polar Express

I promised myself that this year, I wouldn’t just watch whatever Christmas special I happened to spot first on a library shelf or on the airwaves. I’d also set out to watch at least one film regarded as a classic. And I wasn’t disappointed.

Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square (2020) Haunts My Dreams

Part 2 of the Christmas Movie Watchstravaganza

Almost Christmas
Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
The Polar Express

In this film, Dolly Parton fertilizes a woman by pointing at her skirt and making it glow.

Almost Christmas (2016) Is Weirder Than You Think

Part 1 of the Christmas Movie Watchstravaganza

Almost Christmas
Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
The Polar Express

This holiday season is starting off with a sweet-potato-flavored bang.

Fluke (1995): More Like This Movie Was A Fluke

Ah, Fluke. Yet another bizarre, oddly compelling movie that has no right to be oddly compelling. Or bizarre, really. I mean, it’s a dog movie. All it had to be was a dog movie.

Top 5 Most Epic Blondie Movie Endings (Without Context)

Are you a Blondie superfan? Neither am I. Thanks to my funnypaper-reading daddie and my movie buff mommie, though, I’ve absorbed Blondie knowledge all my life against my will. Here are my picks for the top 5 most entertaining Blondie movies, ranked purely by their last 5-50 seconds of runtime.

The Cowboy Way: The Shit You Find on Cable

In my opinion, the ideal way to show this film is in the background.

Spaceballs and My Life with Parody Film

My first exposure to Spaceballs was as a kid of around six years old sitting on the family room floor. It was on that floor that I also watched my father watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the Star Trek episode about tribbles, about how troublesome they were. On a similar floor in later years, I would come to watch my father watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Kung Pow, and a “Weird Al” Yankovic anthology. Spoofy things. Sci-fi things. In-joke things.

I say “I watched my father watch” deliberately, because I had no interest in these things.